Kids do not come with manuals but, if they did parents would desire multiple chapters on the teen years. What makes adolescence the most difficult time to handle? One word- boundaries! Parents and teens find themselves in the ultimate battle of control during adolescence. Why you may ask? Teens desire to have the freedom to act and do as they want. As parents, desire to protect and maintain their teen’s safety in every venue they can. To navigate adolescence, parents and teens have to balance the desire for control and protection. So, I’m going to give you some simple tips to help you deal with that lovely teen that’s causing you either heartburn or major headaches.
It’s important to understand the basics before I provide a few tips. First, we need to understand that boundaries are a personal set of regulations. Boundaries help us define who we are, set limits, and establish consequences. Boundaries help people clarify what they desire and accept as good behavior. Parents are in the tricky position to teach their egocentric teen: self-awareness, future insight, helps them define themselves as they become adults, and most importantly place an appropriate stop to their “I need this now” attitude.
3 Tips for setting boundaries with your teen
• Get to know your teen– Aim to know who your teen is rather than adjusting them to who you want them to be. Your teen has learned your morals, values, and desires. It’s now their turn to define who they want to become as an individual. Getting to know them rather than lecturing them will help you in building a trusting and communicative relationship with your teen. This relationship will allow you to communicate your desire as a parent and mirror the appropriate boundaries set. It also allows you to start creating an “important” button rather than an “I need this now” button. God models this concept to us by having a relationship with us. He hears our desires and leads us to the best needs he can fulfill. He aims to communicate with us the importance of setting internal limits for us to create standards where we are not driven by impulse but, by patience and wisdom.
• Follow through– Don’t say you’re going to do something and not do it. Parents always say punishments they’re going to provide the child and never follow through. Punishments are needed for teens to understand they have crossed a boundary. Consequences should be placed within three categories: Social Access-grounding, restricting phone, etc.; Media-restricting, television, computer, music, etc.; Task- extra chores, extra homework, or community services, etc. Galatians 6:7-8 reminds us “A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” So, if your teen is studying hard he/she will reap good grades; if he/she is being disrespectful then they have reaped a consequence of grounding, more chores, etc.
• Stop making excuses– Don’t make excuses for poor behavior. Teens will continue acting out if you are providing positive reinforcement for their desired behavior.
Hopefully, these 3 tips allow you to manage these difficult times with your teen.
Teresa Guzman, LCSW 